In my past life I was probably a terrible human being.

Just found of from my mother that last night when my brother came home from work, my father started a fight with him, and it got physical to the point where my neighbour came banging on the door to make sure my brother was okay. 

I mean seriously, how the fuck did both my mother and I sleep through it? Oh yeah I know because we were exhausted, cleaning and taking care of EVERYTHING. While my father just sits on his ass, doing shit all. Because “He’s the man of the house.” If my future husband, ever, uses that line on me, he better be waiting for divorce papers the next day, because thats all he will be getting from me.

I’m still loving a boy- 

who lives in the past. 

who isn’t here in the future,

who i need to let go. 

1.     Are looks important in a relationship?

I would like to say “No” but I think it is to a certain degree. I think that’s mainly why I’m so worried about being in a relationship and so insecure. I think once I feel confident in myself, I can finally have the expectations that I have for how my boyfriend should look. I mean, there have been guys whom I’ve liked and their looks weren’t I guess you could say my “ideal type” and yet- I still really liked them. But to keep a relationship going I would like my boyfriend to be active and aware of how he looked, since I will be doing the same.

2.     Are relationships ever worth it?

It really depends. High school relationships are not. Relationship that you were treated badly in, were cheated on, or relationships that were a month long, they are never worth it. But relationships that have lasted months, and years, and relationships, that you can truly say you were really in love, and were treat right, those are always worth it.

3.     Are you a virgin?

This should never be answered on the Internet.

4.     Are you in a relationship?

Nope.

5.     Are you in love?

Nope.

6.     Are you single this year?

Yes.

7.     Can you commit to one person?

Yes, but I have never found that person whose committed to me.

8.     Describe your crush

He’s tall (to me), handsome, smart, and funny. He has a lovely smile that makes me melt inside. He dresses like a gentleman should, goes to the gym every week and studies his ass off.

9.     Describe your perfect mate

This is hard to do.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Lust at first sight.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

There are times when I do, and times when I don’t but I think deep down I do.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

No usually, unless I forgive and just still remember deep down and become more carful with that person.

13. Do you get jealous easily?

Depends.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Yes, currently I do. But I hope in the next four months that I won’t be seeing him, I can try and move on.

15. Do you have any piercings?

Just my ears.

16. Do you have any tattoos?

None.

17. Do you like kissing in public?

I don’t mind, as long as it’s not like excessive.

20. Do you shower every day?

Who has time for that?

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Nope.

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Nope.

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Of course.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Nope.

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I would like to, but I don’t think it will happen.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes, but those were all words for the passion of the moment, none of them really ever meant it.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

Yes.

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Nope.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

My nose and the fat on my body.

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Yes.

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Yes.

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

TMI.

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nope.

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes.

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yes.

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Probably, but it was probably just a stupid crush.

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yes, I currently like someone that I never expected to.

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yes.

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

Yes.

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

TMI.

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

I’ve never timed it, aha

43. How long was your longest relationship?

I’ve never been in a solid relationship, that you could call a relationship.

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

None, I don’t count any of then real “boyfriends.”

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

Three, I believe.

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

TMI.

47. How old are you?

Nineteen.

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I already had this happen, he didn’t tell me. I overheard, and I was pretty upset. And I would say I hope it works out for them, and I hope they are happy. He deserves the best, and I currently am not.

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

Don’t have one.

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

Nope.

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yes.

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Yes, because he’s never going to understand (this goes to my brother and father)

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Nope, because I’m not dating/talking to anyone.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Of course.

55. Share a relationship story.

I’ve never been in a relationship though. I have many stories, but I don’t want to rehash past memories.

56. State 8 facts about your body

I have chubby hands, my hair is almost touching my butt, I have a birth mark on my left foot in the shape of a heart almost, I have brown eyes, currently short nails, fat, straight teeth, and light skinned.

57. Things you want to say to an ex

Have a good life.

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

Make jokes, smile at me, show me what you love, be nice/caring, and be a gentleman.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

Just look at personal posts

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

I was 18 and he was 21.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Their smile, their hair, their walk, and their hands.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Make me dinner.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Depends. It’s either love making, having sex or fucking.

64. What is your definition of cheating?

It could be emotional or physical, either way, if your thinking about someone else, or touching someone else with any other intentions other than platonically, it’s cheating. Unless their famous aha.

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

TMI.

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

TMI.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Can’t really say. If someone put in a lot of effort (like a lovely place, or decorations etc) and dressed up for me. That would be enough.

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Straight.

69. What turns you off?

Cockiness, rudeness, impolite, unhygienic, not hardworking, going nowhere with his life, and a player.

70. What turns you on?

Smart, funny, hardworking, caring, polite, dresses well, understanding etc.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

TMI.

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

TMI.

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Anything- I just want them to really mean it.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Romantic, does that count?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

There has been a few that you could say was sweet but looking back, I feel like they didn’t mean it really so I don’t count them.

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I don’t think I ever have, no ones stayed long enough for me to do something sweet.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

Depends.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

Like I would write it here, how would it be a secret?

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

The guy I have a crush on- when I thought he liked someone else.

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Last night- my mother.

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

My current crush, I don’t think celebrities count.

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

My mum.

83. Who was your first kiss with?

Some boy, in elementary school.

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

Because he was a coward.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

I used to think I would, but now I don’t really think so, no.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I really don’t. I’m really not that strong. I really.. words can’t even be typed because my eyes are filled  with tears, and they roll down my cheeks and onto my laptop, and they collect puddles, and I sit here wishing, I could disappear with them. 

I mean, even the puddles of my tears are surrounded by other tears. Even my tears have another tear. 

I want to just disappear. I don’t want this life anymore. I’m not- strong enough. I don’t want to be strong enough.

It’s not fair that I have to be living a life in which everyday I have to tell myself “Be strong, be stronger.”

Every waking moment is a moment of realization of how fucking alone I am. 

I’ve officially decided to stop or I guess clam down my feelings. I’ve had a crush on this guy since late January, and now I’ve just gotten quite pathetic and I’m not acting like myself. I mean, I’m always waiting for him to look at me, or to show he might be noticing me or something. It’s just gotten pathetic. And it’s gone too far. I don’t do anything anymore. I feel stupid for saying it, but it’s true. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to stop. Stop looking constantly (or at least try), stop thinking about him, stop thinking that he cares or notices me, and stop always hanging around and waiting for him. Unless I get the courage and go up to him and talk to him, and we grow a friendship, I am done talking about him, and thinking about him. I’m not saying I’m done liking him, I’m pretty sure I can’t just stop that, as much as I wished I could. But I can’t be crushing on a guy that doesn’t even know I’m even alive, or doesn’t even notice me back. I mean all the times I’ve thought there might be something was most likely my mind playing games on me.

I have more important things I need to be worrying about, which are my grades. He may be handsome, and smart, but that’s not going to help me in getting good marks, especially if I’m not even on speaking terms with him.

Anyway, there’s my pathetic story for you all. The moral: as soon as you realize that your not acting like yourself anymore, stop and reevaluate your life.

There is so much to do, and so much pressure to do it well. I’m honestly going mental. I’ve gotten to the point where I just want to lock myself in my room and cry. I can’t focus, it’s too much. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Something internal is so fucked with me. I just want my brain to shut off. I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically. But at the same time I have no reason to be, since I’m a fuck up in every aspect. If I end up fucking up this term. It’s done, it’s over. Goodbye to everything I know. I guess I’m just in one of those moods, or as my therapist likes to call it- dysthymia depression. I don’t want this, I don’t want any of this. I didn’t ask for this. Why do I have to be so fucked up? I just, I just don’t know anymore. I feel psychotic.